Where does your stress go?
Everyone carries stress somewhere. For some people it turns into silence. For others it comes out as a short temper with the people they love, or it stays locked inside where nobody can see it. This short check helps you see what you tend to do, and why it matters.
Why this helps
This check draws on the transactional model of stress and coping, developed by psychologists Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman, which looks at how people respond when pressure builds up. It focuses on four ways of responding that research has linked to strain in close relationships.
Knowing your pattern won't change it on its own. But it helps you notice it while it's happening, and that's where change starts. The research behind each pattern is listed at the bottom of this page.
How it works
- Answer eight short questions about what you usually do. Go with your first answer.
- See which pattern fits you best, what the research found about it, and one thing to notice this week.
It takes about two minutes. Nothing you choose is sent to us, and it's only saved on this device.
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The research behind this check
The questions were written by Isi Oboh, Registered Clinical Counsellor, based on the research below. Each pattern lists recent research first, followed by the original work it builds on. This is a reflection tool, not a validated questionnaire or a diagnosis.
THE OVERALL MODEL: STRESS AND COPING
- Biggs, A., Brough, P., & Drummond, S. (2017). Lazarus and Folkman's psychological stress and coping theory. In C. L. Cooper & J. C. Quick (Eds.), The handbook of stress and health (pp. 351–364). Wiley Blackwell.
- Randall, A. K., & Bodenmann, G. (2017). Stress and its associations with relationship satisfaction. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 96–106.
- Original work: Lazarus, R. S., & Folkman, S. (1984). Stress, appraisal, and coping. Springer.
GOING QUIET, AND STRESS SPILLING OVER
- Repetti, R., & Wang, S. (2017). Effects of job stress on family relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 15–18.
- Wang, S., & Repetti, R. L. (2014). Psychological well-being and job stress predict marital support interactions: A naturalistic observational study of dual-earner couples in their homes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 107, 864–878.
- Wang, S., Repetti, R. L., & Campos, B. (2011). Job stress and family social behavior: The moderating role of neuroticism. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 16, 441–456.
- Original work: Repetti, R. L. (1989). Effects of daily workload on subsequent behavior during marital interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 57(4), 651–659.
KEEPING IT TO YOURSELF
- Chervonsky, E., & Hunt, C. (2017). Suppression and expression of emotion in social and interpersonal outcomes: A meta-analysis. Emotion, 17(4), 669–683.
- Original work: Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362.
PULLING BACK WHEN SOMEONE PUSHES
- Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., & Shimkowski, J. R. (2014). A meta-analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction and its associations with individual, relational, and communicative outcomes. Communication Monographs, 81(1), 28–58.
- Holley, S. R., Sturm, V. E., & Levenson, R. W. (2010). Exploring the basis for gender differences in the demand-withdraw pattern. Journal of Homosexuality, 57(5), 666–684.
- Original work: Christensen, A., & Heavey, C. L. (1990). Gender and social structure in the demand/withdraw pattern of marital conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(1), 73–81.
This is a reflection, not an assessment or a diagnosis, and it isn't a replacement for therapy. The research it draws on looked at groups of people, so it can't tell you everything about you.
If you're thinking about ending your life or you're in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 in Canada, or call 911.
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