The change happened on one day. The rest is still happening.
The change. The promotion, the move, the baby, the layoff, the breakup.
The transition. Everything it set off afterwards.
When something big changes in your life, like a new baby, a new job or the end of a relationship, the change itself happens on one day. What follows can take months. Your sleep, your routines, your time with the people you love and even how you see yourself can all shift, often in ways you didn't expect.
Why this helps
This tool draws on William Bridges' work on how people get through big changes. A change happens on one day, but adjusting to it is a slower process. What usually wears people down is everything the change set off, bundled together until it feels like one huge thing you can't do anything about.
This tool helps you pull those pieces apart, so you can see that they don't all need the same response:
- SOLVE: Some things can be solved with a decision, a conversation or a plan.
- ACCEPT: Some things can't be changed, and fighting them only uses up energy you need, so they need to be accepted.
- GRIEVE: Some things are losses, and they need to be grieved, even when the change itself was a good one.
- REBUILD: Some things were routines or relationships you relied on, and they need to be rebuilt in a way that fits your life now.
- RECONSIDER: Some things raise bigger questions about your life that are worth reconsidering.
- PRACTISE: Some things ask you to do something new, and that takes practice.
How it works
- Name the change that's on your mind the most.
- Choose where you are with it right now. Bridges described how changes unfold in stages, and knowing your stage can help explain how you've been feeling.
- List the things that are different in your life because of it.
- Choose what each one needs, and answer a short question about it if you'd like.
- Think about what has helped you before and who you can lean on.
At the end, you'll have a map with everything in one place. It takes about ten minutes. Nothing you type is sent to us, and it's only saved on this device. The research behind the tool is listed at the bottom of this page.
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The research behind this tool
The six responses (solve, accept, grieve, rebuild, reconsider and practise) and the questions in this tool were developed by Isi Oboh, Registered Clinical Counsellor, as a way of putting the research below to work in counselling. Each idea lists recent work first, followed by the original work it builds on. This is a reflection tool, not a validated questionnaire or a diagnosis.
CHANGE AND TRANSITION
- Bridges, W., & Bridges, S. (2019). Transitions: Making sense of life's changes (40th anniversary ed.). Da Capo Lifelong Books.
- Original work: Bridges, W. (1980). Transitions: Making sense of life's changes. Addison-Wesley.
WHAT SHAPES HOW PEOPLE GET THROUGH A CHANGE
- Anderson, M. L., Goodman, J., & Schlossberg, N. K. (2012). Counseling adults in transition: Linking Schlossberg's theory with practice in a diverse world (4th ed.). Springer.
- Original work: Schlossberg, N. K. (1981). A model for analyzing human adaptation to transition. The Counseling Psychologist, 9(2), 2–18.
MOVING BETWEEN LOSS AND REBUILDING
- Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (2010). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: A decade on. Omega: Journal of Death and Dying, 61(4), 273–289.
- Original work: Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224.
CHOOSING DIFFERENT RESPONSES FOR DIFFERENT PROBLEMS
- Cheng, C., Lau, H.-P. B., & Chan, M.-P. S. (2014). Coping flexibility and psychological adjustment to stressful life changes: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 140(6), 1582–1607.
- Bonanno, G. A., & Burton, C. L. (2013). Regulatory flexibility: An individual differences perspective on coping and emotion regulation. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 8(6), 591–612.
This is a reflection tool. It isn't an assessment or a replacement for therapy. What you type stays in your browser.
If you're thinking about ending your life or you're in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 in Canada, or call 911.
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