How perfectionism quietly replaces confidence

Perfectionism rarely looks like what people think.

Perfectionism is not always loud or obvious. It can be a quiet and subtle pressure that says:

• You can’t let anything slip.

• If you ease up, something will fall apart.

At first, it feels like responsibility. But underneath, it’s fear, based on the belief that safety depends on constant precision. That anything short means danger.

That’s how perfectionism hides in plain sight: inside the people who are just trying to do things right.

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Perfectionism is more about the fear of being "exposed" than it is about maintaining high standards.

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The Trade-Off Between Safety and Trust

It's understandable to assume that perfectionism is about high standards, but it really isn't. It’s about control. And not the good kind that gives you direction, structure and lets you stay focused.

The kind of control we’re talking about comes from fear with the need persistent to prevent judgment or disappointment. It keeps you in motion, but not at peace.

Over time, that kind of control:

• Keeps you hyper alert, scanning for what could go wrong.
  
  
• Makes rest feel undeserved.
  
  
• Turns achievement into tension, not relief.

• Erodes confidence
  

Confidence doesn’t vanish all at once. It gets replaced by hypervigilance, redoing, second-guessing that looks like responsibility but feels like pressure.

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Perfectionism quietly reshapes confidence into caution, and ambition into anxiety.

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When Control Stops Helping

There’s nothing wrong with being disciplined or wanting things done well. Control, when balanced, helps you stay grounded.

The changes are subtle and you know the shift has happened when:

• You double-check for relief, not accuracy.
  
  
• You overprepare to quiet uncertainty.
  
  
• You feel exposed when things aren’t perfect.
  
  

That’s when control stops supporting you and starts managing you. In therapy for perfectionism, this is where we pause.

Why? Because it is imortant to note at this point that the issue isn’t effort (or the lack of it), it’s about safety. When caring feels tied to control, every risk of failure feels personal.

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Where the Rules Come From

No one develops perfectionism in a vacuum. It usually begins as a form of safety or protection. We learned that:

• Being reliable made life smoother.
  
  
• Getting things right earned calm or praise.
  
  
• Mistakes brought tension.
  

Over time, your brain links being "good" with being in control. Those lessons into quiet rules that never get assessed. So the lessons harden into rules like:

• Don’t disappoint anyone.
  
  
• Stay sharp.
  
  
• Never let things slip.

These rules keep your system on alert. What once kept you safe now keeps you on edge.

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You don’t lose your standards. You just stop letting fear run them.

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Relearning to Trust  Yourself

Seeing the pattern is one thing. Living differently inside it is another.

Most people can describe their perfectionism clearly. They know they overthink, they know they hold themselves to impossible standards, but they don’t yet trust who they are without that pressure.

When control has been your main source of safety, letting go of it can feel reckless. Even small changes.

Building trust less about convincing yourself that everything will go fine and more about proving, through evidence, that you can handle what happens, even when it’s not perfect.

That evidence comes from small, deliberate experiments that stretch your tolerance for uncertainty without breaking it.

Try these:

• Pick one task to do at 90% instead of 100%. Notice what actually happens, not what you fear will happen. Most people find the outcome barely changes, but their mental load drops sharply.

• Pause before checking again. When you feel the urge to re-read, re-analyze, or fix something “one more time,” wait 60 seconds. That pause is training your nervous system to tolerate the gap between uncertainty and action. That gap also allows you to decide a new cause of cation.

• Debrief your small wins. Each time something goes fine without control holding it together, name it. This is how trust gets recorded in the brain, through pattern recognition, not pep talks.

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What Steadiness Actually Looks Like

Real steadiness isn’t about working less or caring less. It’s about using control with intention instead of reflex.

• You can still aim high, but you stop chasing the illusion of total certainty.
• You still prepare, but you recognize when preparation becomes avoidance.
• You still hold high standards, but you know the difference between excellence and exhaustion.

For most people, steadiness shows up in moments that don’t look dramatic from the outside:

• You make a decision without looping back three times.
• You stop refining details that won’t change the outcome.
• You leave room for feedback instead of trying to predict and prevent it.

These shifts may look small, but they signal a deeper change,  a mind moving from performance management to self-trust.

You find that you're not doing less, but you're also not needing tension to do well.

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Living From a Different Place

When that steadiness takes hold, it changes more than how you work, it changes how you relate to yourself.

You stop measuring your worth by how flawlessly you perform. You start noticing quieter forms of progress, the way you recover faster, how you respond instead of react, how you no longer feel like you’re constantly auditioning for your own approval.

Control still has a place, but it’s no longer running everything. It becomes a tool again, not a guardrail.

That’s the deeper work of therapy for perfectionism, keeping your drive intact, but anchoring it in something steadier than fear.

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If any of this resonates, I'd love to hear from you. I always appreciate hearing how you navigate this balance in your own life. And if you’re at a point where you’d like support untangling it, therapy can be a good place to start.

👉 Book a free 20-minute conversation

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About Iroko Health

At Iroko Health, counselling is collaborative, direct, and culturally aware. We use evidence-based approaches, but translate them into clear, everyday language you can actually use. We respect your privacy and your pace, and we’ll always be honest if we’re not the right fit, helping you find someone who is.

Sessions are available in person across Vancouver, North Vancouver, Burnaby, and New Westminster, or online anywhere in BC. I currently prioritize in-person sessions in Vancouver for those who want face-to-face connection and a steady setting for deeper work, while also offering equally effective virtual sessions for those elsewhere in BC.

If you’ve been thinking about therapy

It’s never too late, or too early, to start the process. You don’t need to fully believe in therapy to see if it fits. You only need enough curiosity to ask: “What would change if I didn’t have to carry this alone?”

If this article resonated with you, you can book a brief consultation to ask questions and get a feel for how we might work together.

Next Step

Book in person: https://irokohealth.janeapp.com

Learn more: https://www.irokohealth.com

About the author

Hi, my name is Isi. I’m a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) and director of Iroko Health in Vancouver. I work with people who carry responsibilities well but quietly struggle with pressure, self-doubt, or disconnection beneath the surface. Together, we focus on steadying the mind, strengthening identity, and building more connected relationships, so you can think clearly under pressure, feel rooted in who you are, and show up more fully with others. My approach blends clinical depth with practical tools and real-world insight.