What's this article about?
Discover the hidden costs of perfectionism: how it disguises itself as high standards while leading to self-doubt, procrastination, and burnout. Learn the psychological roots of perfectionism, its impact on your life and relationships, and actionable strategies to break free. Embrace progress over perfection and reclaim joy in growth and imperfection.
Why Does Perfectionism Feel So Personal?
I’ve met countless people (myself included) who wear their perfectionism like armour, convinced it’s their greatest strength. Maybe you’ve felt it too, that relentless need to prove yourself by getting everything just right. "It has to be perfect" you tell yourself. On the surface, it feels like you’re striving for excellence, but inside, it’s exhausting.
In therapy, I often hear clients say, “I just want to be better.” But when we dig deeper, it’s less about improvement and more about avoiding failure, rejection, or even shame. This is what we call self-critical perfectionism, the internal voice that equates mistakes with personal failure.
Perfectionism promises protection, but it often leaves us stuck in a loop of self-doubt, procrastination, and burnout. These patterns are so pervasive because they convince us that without perfection, we’re unworthy.
What Is Perfectionism (and What Causes It)?
Perfectionism disguises itself as the pursuit of high standards, it convinces us that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. This is often referred to as the all-or-nothing thinking, a way of thinking where outcomes are either flawless or failures, with no in-between.
It tells us that if the perfect conditions aren’t present, we shouldn’t start at all. Or worse, that if a flawless outcome isn’t guaranteed, we might as well not even try.
Clinically, perfectionism is linked to feelings of inadequacy, fear of judgment, and the need for external validation. Psychologists often describe these tendencies as stemming from conditional self-worth, the belief that you are only as good as your latest accomplishment.
Think back to your own life. Were you the kid who brought home a 95% on a test, only to hear, “What happened to the other 5%?” Or maybe you learned early on that making mistakes wasn’t safe, that it meant disappointing someone you cared about. This often leads to what’s called performance-based self-esteem, where your sense of value is tied exclusively to how well you perform.
Over time, these patterns shape how we see ourselves. We begin to believe that our worth is tied only to how well we perform, not to who we are. We internalize the belief that we need to get that proverbial 5%, anything less feels like failure.
What Does Perfectionism Really Cost You?
1. The Constant Weight of “Not Enough”
Have you ever finished a project or task and felt zero satisfaction, just a nagging sense that you should’ve done more? That’s the hallmark of perfectionism: no matter how much you achieve, it’s never enough.
This relentless dissatisfaction is known as hedonic adaptation, where the sense of accomplishment fades quickly, leaving you chasing the next goal to feel validated.
One client I worked with, was a high-achiever in every sense. He excelled at work, worked out five days a week, and nurtured a social life. But he still couldn’t shake the feeling that he was falling behind. Every accomplishment felt fleeting, replaced by the next impossible standard he had set for himself.
What he didn’t realize was that his relentless striving wasn’t building his self-esteem, it was eroding it.
2. Paralysis (When You’re Too Afraid to Start)
Perfectionism often feels like procrastination. You tell yourself you’re waiting for the “right moment” to start, but really, you’re terrified of failing. This is commonly referred to as action paralysis. This is where the fear of imperfection stops you from taking any action at all.
I once worked with a client who wanted to write a book but couldn’t get past the first chapter. “If it’s not perfect, what’s the point?” she said. That fear kept her stuck for years. The same thing happens to many of us, where we hesitate, stall, or avoid. And before we know it, opportunities slip away.
3. The Trap of Isolation
Perfectionism can also create distance between you and others. Maybe you don’t want anyone to see your flaws, so you keep people at arm’s length. Or maybe you demand so much of yourself that you secretly expect the same from others, leaving you frustrated and disappointed when they fall short.
Psychologists describe this as “social perfectionism”. the tendency to believe others have impossibly high expectations of you. This belief isolates you, as you begin to fear judgment or rejection if your flaws are exposed.
This is where perfectionism does its deepest damage, not just in your work, but in your relationships.
Why Do You Stay in the Cycle?
Perfectionism often feels safe, even when it’s not. It’s the voice that tells you, If you just try harder, you’ll be enough. But the truth is perfectionism is a moving target. No matter how hard you try, you’ll never hit it, because it was never meant to be reached.
This cycle is reinforced by confirmation bias, where you only notice evidence that supports your fear of failure while ignoring your successes. It convinces you that you need perfection to succeed or be loved. But in reality, perfectionism keeps you stuck and afraid to take risks, make mistakes, or even enjoy the process of growth.
How Do You Keep High Standards Without Falling Into Perfectionism?
1. Define What Success Looks Like for You
One of the first things I ask clients is, “What would success look like if it wasn’t perfect?” This question often stops people in their tracks because perfectionism rarely leaves room for anything less than flawless.
Start by identifying what’s good enough, not in a lazy way, but in a way that frees you to move forward. This practice aligns with values-based goal setting, where you prioritize progress over perfection by focusing on what truly matters to you.
2. Challenge the Fear of Mistakes
What’s the worst that could happen if you made a mistake? Would the world end? Would people stop caring about you? Most of the time, the answer is no. Mistakes are a natural part of growth, and learning to accept them can be liberating.
A strategy I often suggest is experimenting with imperfection in small ways. Write a messy draft. Show up to the gym in mismatched socks. These small acts can help you see that the world doesn’t crumble when you’re not perfect. This form of exposure therapy gradually teaches your brain that mistakes aren’t dangerous.
3. Focus on Progress, Not Outcomes
One client I worked with, a software developer, felt paralyzed by the pressure to deliver perfect code every time. This led to delayed projects and constant self-doubt about her skills and place at work. Together, we shifted her focus from getting it right to learning as she went. By setting small, achievable goals for each project, she not only improved her performance but also rediscovered joy in her work.
Her mindset shifted to a growth mindset, which emphasizes learning and improvement over achieving flawless results.
Thoughts to Reflect On
Can you see yourself in any of these examples: the high achiever, the author, or the software developer?
Take a moment to think about the areas in your life where perfectionism might be holding you back. Is it stopping you from starting something you’ve always wanted to try? Is it making you feel like no matter how much you accomplish, it’s never enough?
Here’s what I want you to know: you are not alone. So many people struggle with this, and it’s not a reflection of your worth, it’s a pattern you’ve learned. And like any pattern, it can be unlearned.
Perfectionism isn’t the path to greatness, but to exhaustion. True excellence comes from embracing your imperfections, learning from your mistakes, and finding joy in the process.
So, what’s one step you’ll take today to challenge perfectionism? Even if it’s small, remember. Progress always beats perfection.
If any of this resonates, I'd love to hear from you. I always appreciate hearing how you navigate this balance in your own life. And if you’re at a point where you’d like support exploring it, therapy can be a good place to start.
👉 Book a free 20-minute conversation
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
About Iroko Health
At Iroko Health, counselling is collaborative, direct, and culturally aware. We use evidence-based approaches, but translate them into clear, everyday language you can actually use. We respect your privacy and your pace, and we’ll always be honest if we’re not the right fit, helping you find someone who is.
Sessions are available in person across Vancouver, North Vancouver, Burnaby, and New Westminster, or online anywhere in BC. I currently prioritize in-person sessions in Vancouver for those who want face-to-face connection and a steady setting for deeper work, while also offering equally effective virtual sessions for those elsewhere in BC.
If you’ve been thinking about therapy
It’s never too late, or too early, to start the process. You don’t need to fully believe in therapy to see if it fits. You only need enough curiosity to ask: “What would change if I didn’t have to carry this alone?”
If this article resonated with you, you can book a brief consultation to ask questions and get a feel for how we might work together.
Next Step
Book in person: https://irokohealth.janeapp.com
Learn more: https://www.irokohealth.com
About the author
Hi, my name is Isi. I’m a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) and director of Iroko Health in Vancouver. I work with people who carry responsibilities well but quietly struggle with pressure, self-doubt, or disconnection beneath the surface. Together, we focus on steadying the mind, strengthening identity, and building more connected relationships, so you can think clearly under pressure, feel rooted in who you are, and show up more fully with others. My approach blends clinical depth with practical tools and real-world insight.
