Find the Feeling Under the Anger
A reflection for after you snap, go cold or shut down, to find the feeling underneath the reaction.
Based on dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). It teaches practical skills for strong emotions and relationships.
What this can look like
You snapped, went cold or left the room. Later you're not sure why it hit you that hard.
Why it happens
Anger and irritation are fast. They also feel stronger than hurt or worry, which can feel exposing. So the surface reaction shows up first. It's real, but it covers what you actually feel, and the people around you only see the cover.
How to use it
10 minutes
Write down what you showed on the outside: irritation, snapping, going cold, leaving the room. Then ask what was underneath. Irritation often covers hurt. Withdrawal often covers worry. Anger often covers embarrassment or feeling like you failed.
The surface reaction is real. It's usually not the whole story.
Afterwards, ask yourself
What would it have looked like to say the thing underneath instead?
This tool is one small place to start. You might know what you want to change and still find it hard to do, or hard to put into words what comes up. That's normal. It's a big part of the work in counselling: getting to the bottom of what's happening, so it's easier to say and easier to change.
If this keeps happening
When the same thing keeps coming back, it's usually a pattern rather than a bad week. Understanding what sets it off, and practising a different response, is something we work on often in counselling.
This page is general information. It isn't a diagnosis or a replacement for therapy.
If you're thinking about ending your life or you're in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 in Canada, or call 911.
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