Track the Silence After an Argument
A short log you fill in after each argument. It tracks how long you go quiet, what you tell yourself and what ends the silence.
An Iroko Health tool, drawing on self-monitoring from cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and couples research on withdrawal during conflict.
What this can look like
The argument is over, but you aren't talking. An evening goes by. Sometimes a whole weekend. You tell yourself you're cooling off.
Why it happens
In a heated argument your body goes on high alert. Your heart rate climbs and your thinking narrows. Going quiet is a way to stop things getting worse. Couples researchers call this stonewalling. The trouble is how it looks from the other side: to your partner, the silence often reads as not caring.
How to use it
5 minutes after each argument
After the next argument, write down three things:
- How long you went quiet.
- What you were telling yourself during the silence.
- What ended it: you, your partner, or time.
Short on time? "Quiet for ___ hours. It ended when ___."
Afterwards, ask yourself
What did the silence protect you from? What did it cost the other person?
This tool is one small place to start. You might know what you want to change and still find it hard to do, or hard to put into words what comes up. That's normal. It's a big part of the work in counselling: getting to the bottom of what's happening, so it's easier to say and easier to change.
If this keeps happening
When the same thing keeps coming back, it's usually a pattern rather than a bad week. Understanding what sets it off, and practising a different response, is something we work on often in counselling.
This page is general information. It isn't a diagnosis or a replacement for therapy.
If you're thinking about ending your life or you're in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 in Canada, or call 911.
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